Finding Refuge

 "He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge. His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."    -Psalm 91:4-5

    At age 8 I admitted to God that I was a sinner and needed him to save me from all the bad I had done, will do, or am doing right now. My past, present and future sins were wiped away. Heaven became my eternal home and the only thing standing between me and Heaven was my life here on Earth. 

     I knew I needed to read my bible and pray because I was told that's what Christians were supposed to do. So that's what I did. Or tried to do at least. I would open up my bible about a couple times a week, point to a verse, or chapter, and read it. I didn't really understand anything that I was reading though. Then when I would pray, I would pray for what I wanted, then fall asleep during my prayer. I didn't understand how anyone could read the bible and get something out of it because to me, it didn't make any sense. I prayed to be closer to God but nothing ever seemed to happen. I went on mission trips and was involved in church, I tried praying and reading my bible but none of that seemed to get me any closer to God.

    I've went to a church camp near my house 1 week out of the summer every summer since I was old enough to go. My second year at camp I met an awesome cabin leader who, at the end of camp handed me a little encouragement note she had written just for me. I read the note over and over again and at the end the words "He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge, his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. -Psalm 91:4-5"was written. Of course, I had no idea what that meant but I thought the note was sweet so I kept it.

     About 5 years later, my life was forever changed. I realized that God was already pursuing a relationship with me and he longed for me to pursue him. I thought I was pursuing him, but really I was pursuing the world and telling him what I wanted out of it. I began to read my bible daily and each time I would fall in love with God and with His word. I would pray and seek what His will was instead of telling Him what I wanted. As I let God have control of my life everything seemed to fall into place. Not the way I was expecting it to but the way God knew it needed to. 

        Summer 2015 was one of the most amazing, glorious, stressful, and hardest summers of my life. As I fell in love with Jesus, my desire was to serve him in anyway He wanted me to. I wanted to be His hands and feet, no matter the consequences. Then came the action. The more I prayed the more I felt God leading me away from the one thing I loved the most: serving on a summer mission team with my friends and sharing Jesus with kids of all ages. Sounds silly, but that was probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I had no idea what I was going to do. 
    I worked at a local grocery store and began babysitting some of my favorite kids. I was a mess though. I would have tears streaming down my face almost daily because I didn't understand why God had allowed me to feel so much pain in my heart. It felt as if someone took a hammer to my heart and shattered it. I loved my job, and I love the kids I babysit but I didn't love the fact that I was doing that instead of the summer missions team. Not too long later I found that note again that read Psalms 91:4-5. It was during that time I understood those verses. I had found my Refuge. Psalms 91:4-5 finally made sense and became the verse that I understood the most. Jesus covered me with his feathers and under His wings was where I found my refuge and His faithfulness was my shield and rampart. I felt peace and comfort when I spent time with God. I found out what it meant to be held up by Gods strength. I was no longer strong. I was weak and in my time of weakness I experienced total dependency on God. It was during the hard times that I felt loved, cherished and safe in the arms of my Lord. I'm writing this hoping that you too can find your refuge. When you say yes to God, it's not going to be easy, but I believe it will be worth it.